Fuck You, Ortho-McNeil Janssen. And Insurance Companies, too.

Once upon a time I used to have seizures.  Brain tumors might cause 'em, y'know.

The neurologist, Dr. B and I, we rolled the dice with different pills and my head.  Maybe this combo will work, he said.

A lot of times, they didn't.

So we kept adding this and that, more and more Topamax, let's try that.  And one day, yes one day, it worked.

And I worked.  And I still work.  And I pay for insurance.  And I used to pay $60 every 3 months for the magical drug.  Not much, I know.  But think about how else I paid.

Then one day, see, the Generic Costume entered.  What's the difference, right?

According to Dr. B, a big one.  No way, he say.  With this drug, stick with the real thing.  The one that works.  So I told Caremark, my insurance drug company, those exact words.

Fine, they said, just pay for it.

Huh?

And it jumped from $60 to $832.  Three months later it was $916.  And today, three months later, it's $1082.

I want to try the generic, but my doctor's against it.  Karla's against it.  Even Rabbi Doug's against it.  And considering how much money they're fucking me for, I'm sure Ortho-McNeil Janssen and Caremark are against it, too.

Can You Really Be Friends With Your Neuro-Oncologist?

I don't think I can be friends with my neuro-oncologist. You think I'm being silly?

She's saved your life, you say? She's intelligent; she's pretty. Why can't she be your friend?

Because I don't think we could really be friends.

When we're together, in the same room, like we were today, just hours ago, I'm so focused on the images of my brain that shine behind her that I can't pay attention to the words she says.

I mean, I can only pay attention to my brain. All 16 images of them. This hole here, that hole there, the white, the black, the white, and so on.

If we ever bumped into each other at a Cubs game or a play, my words would stumble. And she'd think it was a seizure.

But it wouldn't be the kind she was used to reading about, no, it would be an outrotextbook kind but she wouldn't accept that as an excuse.

She called me a boring patient today, I think. Because I had a stable MRI. And that was the sweetest thing she ever said.